All the Rusted Signs We Ignore Throughout Our Lives

I grew up on a street with a sign that read "SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY." I'm still not sure if that was a comment on our intelligence or our athletic ability.

I also frequently see signs that say "DEAF CHILD AREA." I'm never quite sure what I'm supposed to do when I see this sign. Do I slow down? Or is it just supposed to make me feel bad that I have a perfectly good pair of ears? I don't see a reason I should have to go any slower than in any other residential area. I mean, it's not like they can't see me coming. They just can't hear me if I honk at them. I wonder what I would do if there was a deaf child in the middle of the road... I don't know the hand signal for "honking noise."

"SLIPPERY WHEN WET" is just a little too patronizing to even take serious. Sounds like something that should be in a children's book. A slow, deaf children's book. It's also not a very useful sign because it doesn't tell us if it's even wet now. How are we supposed to know if we should even worry about the slipperiness unless we know whether or not it's wet? That's like putting up a sign in Kansas that says "TORNADOES ARE DANGEROUS" and assuming that will keep everyone safe.

Speaking of slow children, the other day I was riding in the car with an unnamed relative who was driving quickly through some curving roads when we approached several people crossing ahead. They were carrying boxes and bags and heading across the street to a grassy park. They didn't seem to care about hurrying even as we quickly sped toward them. In fact, a couple of them stopped in the middle of the road and one turned back to join another who was lagging behind the group. My unnamed relative was frustrated as he put on his breaks and said, "What a bunch of ret—" and then was close enough to see that they all had Down Syndrome.

That Was One Dank Burrito!

I've always been a big fan of eating a balanced diet. I've always made sure to balance out any healthy foods I eat with a healthy portion of meats and sweets. My wife often complains that I eat too many carbs. Her rational for proper food consumption is often difficult to understand.

Like one time when I offered her a treat that I was eating, she declined, making a disgusted face. I said, “Don’t you like it?” She responded, “Yeah, it’s just a waste of calories. I’ll save them for something I’ll enjoy more.”

Waste of calories? I didn’t know we had a limit?!?! I thought we can have the good sweets and the better sweets?!?! It’s like she’s confused calories with cell phone minutes and put herself on a 700 calorie per day plan—except no free nights or weekends. And I’m thinking, well I didn’t eat many sweets yesterday so I’ll just use my roll-over calories and eat her portion.

Speaking of sweets, someone at work today brought in a cake today which she called “Better-than-sex Cake.” What a weird comparison. I mean, the cake was delicious: chocolate with drizzled chocolate sauce and candy bar chunks crumbled on top. But to use such a title to describe how good the cake tastes seems to be a bit irrelevant. I mean, the other day I ate a nasty bean burrito that gave me terrible heartburn. But I didn’t call it "Worse-than-the-holocaust Burrito."

Goat Bones on youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EY7lB6SbtC8

Goat Bones

Here's a hilarious phone call I had at work today. I was calling for Lisa but her Indian personal assistant answered. The ending was partially cut off but just so you know, he starts crying and hangs up.

I don't say much because my phone is on mute while I laugh my head off.

Soccer brings out the Derek Fisher in us all

Anyone who followed the NBA finals knows what I'm talking about. Fisher, though a great player, is allergic to human contact and frequently sprawls and flops whenever slightly touched by a defender.

It's a clever strategy when you are good enough at it to fool the referees, but no one likes a whiner or a faker. Sports and athletics is about rising above pain and weakness. Leave the drama to Broadway.

Soccer, unfortunately, incentivizes players to be sissies in attempt to draw a yellow card from the opposing team. Sometimes it is an act of desperation. When a player realizes they are beat, they flop to the ground and pretend to writhe in pain. If it were true pain, it may be an entertaining sport.

Of course, penalties are in the rules for the protection of the players. But I'm sure that if the players were allowed to play on, we would quickly see fewer "injuries" as they realize they can't afford to lay on the ground while the game goes on. In American Football you only see a player stay on the ground when they are unconscious. That's how it should be.

The following is a comical demonstration of some of the most ridiculous flops in soccer:


EMBED-The World Cups Greatest Actors - Watch more free videos

Soccer is a fun sport to play, especially with Brazilians. And especially when there are no refs to act for. If America is going to embrace soccer as a major sport there need to be some changes in rules of officiating. With refs that make as many mistakes as they have in this World Cup, and without the option for video review to make sure calls are accurate, the best option would be to eliminate the refs altogether. Then we can watch athletes exhibit their talents rather than their acting skills. And we can leave the flopping to this guy:

Mmm...bagels.

I have recently been making bagel sandwiches for Danielle to take with her to school for lunch. This morning she made her own. She pulled out the turkey meat, lettuce, and green-chili cheese bagels and stared at it all for a second before asking,

"Do you usually put the meat right on the bagel or on top of the lettuce?"

"Well," I began, "since you only have two items..."

"Nnnyohhhh...." came the embarrassed Snoopy groan.